Monday, May 16, 2011

The way forward is with a broken heart

This book title by Alice Walker is for me the most accurate summary of how I would describe my journey these last 2 years wherein ultimately I have found myself dismantled, on the mend and now blossoming into something and someone restored for the better.

Parenting affects your life so completely that I could speak endlessly on how various areas of my existence have been updated with a new lens, and for the better.  One of the most significant changes it has brought is a heightened decisiveness, confidence and esteem. The importance of decisions has taken a new level as everything I do now affects another human being, a living being who relies on me to protect her, comfort her, care for her and guide her on the path to her fullest potential whatever that may be. 

If there is one thing in this journey so far that I did not expect it was just how early important decisions would be presented and the intense long term impact that could result.

When I learned that Winter was coming and that I would indeed be a single mother my nesting period became one of intensive research and contemplation. Everything from breastfeeding, prenatal care, schools (homeschooling, nanny care, preschool, private primary school). I cycled through endless versions of work schedules, the options open to us if we moved out of the city or stayed, salary and childcare calculations, length of commutes, pumping schedules and as I sifted through the thousands of questions, books, websites, blogs, and various conversations with those I trusted as well as other parents, professionals and general observation I slowly found our way forward.

As I look around I see the fruits of mindful decision making which ultimately is reflected back to me in Winter as she blossoms and grows with assurance and contentment. There are endless decisions that are coming our way and I hope to navigate each one with patience, awareness and clarity.

So this is the mantra for today,

My mind stills and in reflection may I find the way that's true.

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