Table for two...

I share my mother's love of dinnerware and while we have different tastes each of our cupboards contain a beloved mish mash of place settings and linens. We've sent platters and tablecloths back and forth like Frisbees, and each holiday I stand with sincere interest by her side taking in the draft tablescape. I've increased the execution of this ritual in my own home by carrying it out for every meal, even if its just a snack. I make all efforts to get a plate, grab and fold a napkin, fill a glass of water and SIT DOWN to eat whatever it may be, even at work (sans cloth napkin).

I learned the consequences of poor eating habits shortly after I stumbled out of college, 4 years done in 3, a part-time job on the weekend, internship then full-time job during the week, little sleep and a nutritive reserve based in...gawd it was so poor I'm ashamed to even type it. Shoveling food in my mouth as a second thought on my way to whatever my first thought was or sitting numb at the end of the day rummaging through take out bags while watching Food Network created a sadly distant divide in my understanding of food and its important connection to well-being. By then I was reduced to a mysterious increase in recurring black outs and fatigue until a discovery of macrobiotics changed my life and the way I approached buying and consuming food. You are indeed what you eat and whole foods prepared with care increased the desire to set a nice table to enjoy it at.

Now that Winter has started solids I set up her place as well. The tiny plastic spoon, sippy cup and mason jar bowl is step 1 in establishing her place at the family table. As she grows older there's a hope that mealtimes could be something to look forward to, a solid start to the beginning of the day and a chance to let down and share the days horrors and highs. 

I realized that if I don't get into the habit now, as with many things, make the adjustments to include her at meals, the more effort it will require to incorporate sitting and eating together into our daily schedule. 

Time is quickly passing us by so at a minimum from this point onwards it will be a table for two...please.

House Beautiful

When the world begins to swirl I eventually can be found filing and reorganizing in response, alone and protected by a self erected wall of silence and contemplation. Retreat mode in full force.

It has been so busy that all around me I see elements of my life slowly lagging behind and in some cases coming to a full stop, intentional and not. Our laundry has gone without attention for a duration I can't utter here. Its existence occurs to me only when I'm asked by my mother where a particular outfit is for my daughter. Naturally these inquiries have increased and I've half-heartedly pointed her in the direction of Winter's wardrobe and dresser to search in vain several times only to remember when she turns to look at me with a puzzled look that whatever it was is likely in the wash pile. Our home is in need of a deep clean, the kitty sniffs with disdain before entering her box hissing to herself at my delay in changing the litter.  I have a growing stack of partially read books piled up, our frozen milk supply is down to 3 bottles, I have not written, studied, intentionally exercised or cooked a meal beyond 3 ingredients in weeks.


I could go on but will spare you the full scene.

A dire need to switch gears...

This month's publication of House Beautiful is Living Large in Small Spaces. There were several homes featured that had ideas I wanted and could try out in my own space. Just spending a few hours undoing areas where piles of stuff and junk had begun to collect and turn hodge podge then editing them and recreating a more organized less cluttered look started freeing my own mental space and is defrosting the block I've been stuck in. I've attacked my desk, part of the kitchen and did my weekly run of Winter's room editing clothes, toys, etc. Its incredible the amount of stuff we can accumulate and for me its a wonder because we have only 2 rooms and I still find excess. And yes, small space means  a busy life is more in your face because there's little room to hide but I like that it forces me to keep things up if I want to maintain a nice home for us which I do. The more I edit down the better it feels as I'm realizing if I have what I absolutely love and enjoy around me my space mentally, physically and otherwise will be freer and more enjoyable.


By the way, I have to say I miss my big bed, as you may know I had downsized to a twin so that I could use our apartment as a studio for myself and then let Winter have the bedroom as her own sleep and play space. While I love brownstone living in our case charm came with uneven floors. The twin combined with the permanent tilt is especially grating...its actually frocking annoying and I've found myself longingly staring at photos of sumptuous beds as a result. The studios featured in House Beautiful featured a full size bed and I'm tempted to make a go at incorporating this into my own space. Based on the layout I have now and thought worked best the bed is on the most noticeable part of the uneven floor, real smart, I know. But one of the designers in HB said a bed looks best full on, I agree, and a preference for comfort vs. space. Tough to deliver but try I will.

Of course now I need to wait until Winter's ready for a twin to justify the expenditure but in the meantime I'm going to plot my dream.

So another apartment rewind in the works and in the meantime I will continue my House Beautiful clean-up, find the bottom of my various stacks of mail and unused cookbooks, brush off my yoga mat then tackle the laundry first thing tomorrow AM as my diaper count is now down to less than 5. Scary.


The skies above are clear again...

Simple Graces

For both encouragement and insight I became very interested in looking at the schedules of other working mothers as a way to further organize my own routine so I too could walk the tightrope that is the work/life balance. I also found it helpful as a building block to understanding pumping schedules, unique though they are, as I was not around anyone who was actively pumping at work.

This may seem overly detailed but somewhere out there it might be of help to a mother pressed for time who could use encouragement knowing that she is NOT alone, she CAN do it and anything you set your mind to as a priority can remain that way if you're organized.

So here is our schedule (typical workday) at present:

5AM - Mama wakes up!

5AM-5:15/5:30AM - pump (for freezer stash or to add to any shortages prior day)
5:30-5:45AM - shower/get ready
5:45AM/6AM - pull out lunch, freezer packs, finish packing purse and dress
(sometimes I am also blending a smoothie or cooking rice)
5:45AM - Winter wakes up! (or Mama gets her up)
6-6:15AM  - get Winter ready / grandma comes in!
6:15-6:20AM - grandma prepares bottles, Winter nurses, grandma/mama talk
6:25-6:35AM - drive to train station,spend time together in car
6:46AM - train leaves!
8:35AM - arrive at work, sterilize pump parts, organize lunch, fill water bottles
9:30AM - 1st pump break
12:15PM - 2nd pump break / eat lunch / work / check on Winter
2:30PM - 3rd pump break
3:40PM - run/walk to subway
4:03PM - train home!
5:35PM - touch down, grandma/grandpapa's house to get Winter (nurse on cue until departure next morning)
6-6:30PM - grandpapa drives us home / we visit briefly
6:30-8:30PM - cook/eat dinner, pack bag for next day, measure milk, change into PJ's, use sling to continue nursing as needed and shift Winter from floor, chair, rocker etc. story time!
7:30-9PM - Winter dozes, goes to crib. Mama scrambles to finish above!
9-11PM - quiet time! reading, movie, writing, studying, house chores, pumping
11-4:49AM - nurse 1-2x as needed, sometimes more sometimes less (no crying or outburst due to co-sleeping)
5AM - we start again!

You'll notice 2 things missing from the above that will drive any mother's limited amount of time into the ground. Laundry and bottle sterilizing.

Wanted to note that as of now I wash my diapers and handle clothing laundry on Thursday night and Sunday afternoon. The diapers that come home from daycare stay with Winter's grandma who handles pick-up/drop-off. Grandma tackles the diaper bag and replenishes (including sterilizing the bottles) so that the next morning my job is simply to provide her with the milk. We fell into this routine naturally because both grandmama and daycare use pocket diapers so she can do one big load as she pleases and I wash my flats and fitteds at the end of the week. We've stashed a reserve of clothes at her grandparents so that the only laundry that builds over the week is the outfit she comes home in and my own. Since I personally have not ever used a bottle with Winter this also reduced us shuttling bottles back and forth. Baby food I make on the weekend and freeze, then give to grandma in batches every few days. Winter has fresh food at night and on the weekends with me.

Now, moment of silence.

The reality is, every mom once she unloads all that she does in a single day has a schedule that asks the world of her and then some. What I have learned in listening to the various schedules and methods of juggling is that we all need support both verbally, practically and otherwise. I've heard repeatedly that you should find a way to do something small for yourself, each day, which brings me to what I call simple graces.

My simple graces are found on my train ride home. I sit, stare at out at the world passing by me as the train pulls through the landscape like a chariot and it is the most calming, mind numbing, meditative state I've managed to find for myself and I embrace the peace. I find simple grace in the peace of my home. I may be a party of 1 but my home is a calm, warm and peace filled environment. Less is more. I find grace in the meaningful moments gained with my parents who, after 15 years of living in different states, short visits and a rapport relegated to e-mail and phone calls, I now see morning and night. I find grace in the few but intensive friendships that have tangled even tighter with love and protection around me, and now my daughter, as we weathered yet another life change together. My grace is in each new person Winter and I meet in our new home that shows some small act of kindness.

My grace is in coming home and finally feeling fulfilled.

I am a devoted follower of the writings of Thich Nhat Hanh and he has a wonderful book called Present Moment Wonderful Moment. Its mindful verses for mundane tasks like brushing your teeth, washing your hands and other simple encounters.

Here are fragments from the last pages of the book, all of which I have found to be true:

We can practice beginning anew at any moment of our lives. As humans, we make mistakes. Without these mistakes, there would be no way to learn to be more accepting and compassionate. When your life is meaningful, happiness becomes a reality...Every one of us is capable of this. - Thich Nhat Hanh

The way forward is with a broken heart

This book title by Alice Walker is for me the most accurate summary of how I would describe my journey these last 2 years wherein ultimately I have found myself dismantled, on the mend and now blossoming into something and someone restored for the better.

Parenting affects your life so completely that I could speak endlessly on how various areas of my existence have been updated with a new lens, and for the better.  One of the most significant changes it has brought is a heightened decisiveness, confidence and esteem. The importance of decisions has taken a new level as everything I do now affects another human being, a living being who relies on me to protect her, comfort her, care for her and guide her on the path to her fullest potential whatever that may be. 

If there is one thing in this journey so far that I did not expect it was just how early important decisions would be presented and the intense long term impact that could result.

When I learned that Winter was coming and that I would indeed be a single mother my nesting period became one of intensive research and contemplation. Everything from breastfeeding, prenatal care, schools (homeschooling, nanny care, preschool, private primary school). I cycled through endless versions of work schedules, the options open to us if we moved out of the city or stayed, salary and childcare calculations, length of commutes, pumping schedules and as I sifted through the thousands of questions, books, websites, blogs, and various conversations with those I trusted as well as other parents, professionals and general observation I slowly found our way forward.

As I look around I see the fruits of mindful decision making which ultimately is reflected back to me in Winter as she blossoms and grows with assurance and contentment. There are endless decisions that are coming our way and I hope to navigate each one with patience, awareness and clarity.

So this is the mantra for today,

My mind stills and in reflection may I find the way that's true.

Reflections on Mother's Day

This is my first Mother's Day and it does give me pause to reflect on this past year.

I'm someone's mother.

Winter has changed my life so completely I feel as though her first breath was my own. 

When my father said to my last week, 'I do for you what I cannot even do for myself' his statement of strength pulsed my own inner well.  I know this to be true.
I've found strength, a voice and clarity in matters that I previously would have backed down from or shown little boundary for.

I spring out of bed every morning with the lightest step I've ever known and each day I'm away from her I work with an increased no nonsense efficiency, my little girl is waiting on me.

My first true love,
The little girl who arrived and brought heaven with her.
I walk through this brave new world with you.
My beloved
May you see me and know love. 

Happy Mother's Day

Mothering

Tonight I learned that Mothering magazine is no longer in publication and they have now become a web only company: MotheringDotCommunity (MDC).

You can read Peggy O'Mara's editorial, "How We Became a Web Company" which explains the long road to this decision to cease printing.

I'm glad to see they will continue the online community with articles, resources and forums but I will dearly miss the print editions.  It was the only parenting magazine wherein I found full support, education and reflections on many of the 'natural parenting' ideals I believe so strongly in and I considered it an important resource.

The importance of having a circle of support be it family, friends, service providers and access to supportive resources is a vital component to parenting to the best of my ability and making informed decisions.  We are not meant to do this alone.

I will certainly miss having access to this incredible publication but will make a point to follow them at their online community.

I encourage you to check them out as well as Mothering is a treasure trove of information and connections for our journey in motherhood.

I'm someone's mommy...

I remember the 1st time I heard someone call my daughter's name and I realized, I'm someone's mommy...
We were sitting in the pediatrician's office 2 days after she was born and the nurse came out and said, "Winter?" and I stared at her unmoving. Hearing her name and feeling her sweet smelling limbs move about in my lap was like the tinkling of a bell in a meditation room signaling the start or end of contemplation.
Winter...
Grace...
It was only after the 2nd or 3rd time her name was called that the fog of awe around me cleared and I was able to propel myself up and out of the chair so that we could be led to an exam room.
I remember when she was born and in all the hullaballo I still didn't know what she was, he or she and I breathlessly asked the nurse,
"What it is?" and she said, "take a look!"
I remember reaching down to take hold of the tiny warm being that was clinging to me in the crook of my arm.  In her newborn state she was like a little piglet. I remember lifting her leg and near screaming as if I'd never seen one before, "it's a girl!" and another time, to and for myself in reference, "it's a girl".
It was as if an angel had fallen down out of the sky right into my lap and from then onwards I was forever changed.